Candies for Jesus

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Okay, so I wrote the following post yesterday and didn't get the time to post it, but I still think it's funny so I'm going to put it up now. Also, I've been wrestling with the formatting of various blog hosts all week--and by "wrestling" I mean yelling at Ralph while he works on them. My goal is to be fully migrated to a new site by the weekend, so if I disappear until then you'll know why. 

Now here's the post: 

This week began Lent, and if you’re not Catholic I’ll explain it. Lent is when you give up something trivial for Jesus because he gave up his life for you. For example—you could give up Cheetos for Jesus because they are your most favoritest thing and then on Easter you can have a Cheetos bonanza and nearly die from a Cheetos overdose. But from Ash Wednesday to Easter not a single Cheeto can cross your lips. This is to show your penitence and to prepare for the symbolic death of Jesus every year. At some point people probably fasted and gave up something really important—like sex and water or whatever, but now most people I know give up their second favorite food.

First favorite food is too harsh.

Also during Lent, yo u can’t eat meat on Fridays. When I lived back home in a small town that was 90% Catholic and 10% dead Catholics, this was easy. The schools served pierogies, the restaurants served awesome things like fried fish and mac and cheese with stewed tomatoes (If you don’t know what this is, I pity your poor soul). On another note entirely—I find it hilarious that the autocorrect constantly tries to change “pierogies” to “pie orgies.” Which, upon reflection, is a more accurate description of eating them.

It’s hard to even find meat on a Friday in the old coal mining towns of Pennsylvania. But now I live in the SEPA, a meaty Atheist playground of cheesesteaks  and strombolis. I usually have half a burger in me before I even remember that it’s Friday.

When I was a kid, as soon as I was smart enough to think of it (which I think was about 11 years old), I gave up beer for Lent. Adults thought it was funny, and I never had to actually give anything up. If my mom really pressed me I would give up pretzels. Because, seriously, what kid misses pretzels?

Once I turned 21, I gave up Lent.

I haven’t participated in Lent for about a solid six or seven years, however, this year I’m giving up candy. Yes, all candy—even chocolate, which I agree—should be a separate category unto its glorious self. Not cake. Not ice cream, unless it has candy in it—just candy. For the past few months my addiction to sugar has grown to be epic. Around 10:00 at night I can be found munching on anything sweet, which makes no sense at all since I’m getting ready for bed. We both have end tables on either side of the couch and Ralph’s end table has remote controls and cough drops in and my end table has nail polish, an ipod cable, L’occitane lotion, pens, and three big bags of gummies squished flat so they fit in there.

I eat those gummies compulsively while watching TV. I knew I really reached my breaking point when last night I ate a Reese’s peanut butter pumpkin. This is wrong for me on so many levels. I know most of the world considers Reese’s peanut butter cups to be the holy grail of candy (Ralph thinks that they are so valuable they should be turned into currency) but for the longest time I have despised the chocolate/peanut butter combo and the smell of it can actually make me sick! So not only did I EAT the horrid thing, but it was from HALLOWEEN for St. Pete’s sake.

Something has to give. Ralph has always been the type of sick human being that does not prefer dessert and actually craves brussel sprouts. All of my candy and crap in the house has completely ruined him. We spent most of last week strung out, cranky, and punching holes into a huge heart box of Valentine’s Day chocolates. We ate them all, even the gross ones.

So—yes—I am using Jesus as an excuse to help me give up candy. Because, the truth is how CAN you say no to Jesus? Especially when it’s something stupid like candy. I mean, I don’t go pour soup into bowls for the homeless every weekend and I don’t go to church every Sunday and I don’t follow the Bible to the letter…. And after all that I can’t give up a freaking gummi bear? If I were Jesus, I’d be like, “Screw her.” Except probably not, because if I were Jesus I would probably have better control over my sailor mouth.

So I’m going to Ash Wednesday mass today because it happens to be my favorite mass. I love how dreary and depressing it is. All of the songs are about death and sin and mourning and it’s deliciously sad—during all of that sorrowing, sighing, weeping and dying I’m going to offer up gummi bears to  Jesus. It may not mean that much to anyone else, but the sadness of my empty end table drawer will be hard felt by me. I’ll keep you updated on how it goes.

If you’re Catholic, give me a comment with what you gave up and if you’re not—give me a comment on what you WOULD give up (and you can’t say “being Catholic”). I’m curious. Happy Lenting.