But, Daddy, I want an iphone NOW!

Sissy Biscuit is now on Tumblr.  

Check out the new site at: www.sissybiscuit.com

Okay, so I haven’t been around for a few days because I tried to upload a cartoon for like three hours over the weekend and I got really pissed off and completely gave up. In between watching six episodes of Downton Abbey  and trying to set up my new wireless printer and wireless mouse (honestly, I miss wires a little. It’s like, plug/unplug. End.) I’ll be switching this blog over to a tumblr account. Don’t worry—you can always type in “sissybiscuit.com” and it’ll redirect you to wherever I am. I bought the domain. I also own Snachos.com, just because I thought it was funny.

Here’s the thing about technology—I don’t want it, until I feel my life has reached a point that I can’t live without it and then I start having panic attacks figuring out how I can get it and learn it. Basically every time you see a cartoon posted here you can guarantee that I screamed at Photoshop for roughly 45 minutes and drank a whole glass of wine. It goes like this:

Me: “AHHHHHHH FUDGE KNUCKLE. I’m doing this in MS Paint. Screw it.”

Ralph (from the other room): “The file would be enormous. It would never load.”

Me: “I KNOW. I WAS JUST THREATENING IT.”

I had an ipod nano for ages—you know the kind with the click wheel? And eventually I transferred over to an ipod touch, but I complained about it for like, a year. As my friend said, “It’s too touchy.” I agree. I miss the click wheel every time I’m trying to get to “L” and my fat finger touches “J.” I even miss the click wheel sound. But the ipod touch won me over with the fact that I can compulsively check my calendar and any tool that aids my neuroses is a winner.

Now I feel like I have advanced and I must have an iphone before I die a slow, horrible, internet-less death. Unfortunately, this is how the conversation went with Ralph:

Me: “I’m sick of suffering without an iphone.”

Ralph: “You’re ‘sick of suffering without an iphone?’ Well, I’m sick of your rich white girl problems.”

Okay, so maybe I chose my words wrong. “Suffering” would be a better description for the Willie Nelson dogs on the TV or a third world country. NOT for being pissed that you know there is a coupon for Pier 1 and you can’t download and you need an upholstered chair right now. 

However, since Ralph works beastly hours, I do all of the shopping and all of the errands for like, everything. Sometimes when I’m at the grocery store I think, “I know this soup has one more item in it and I can’t for the life of me remember what it is.” And it’s chicken and I go home and scream and curse and either drive back to the grocery store or serve Ralph noodle soup instead of chicken noodle soup and I use my anger to heat it.

If I had an iphone, I could whip it out right there in the store and look it up. We could have beef bourguignon and Apricot Almond Linzertorte instead of the things that I create while I’m shopping like “made up pizza” and “bum soup.” (“Bum soup” is defined as whatever is left in your fridge, plus broth. Just in case you aren’t from the Northeast or you don’t have a grandmother who lived through the Depression.) 

I get tired of buying things in a store only to price check them later and see that there’s a 50% off coupon code or some shit for them online. I want to be able to google the phone number of the pizza place so that on my way home from work I can order pizza and stuff my face with it within five minutes of being home. 

…Okay, so I’m realizing that these are all white girl problems. 

Anthropologie place mats. Starbucks coffee. Organic toothpaste. Pure goat milk soap. I don’t even have to finish the rest of the post. It’s full of rich white girl bull crap. You could just go read “Stuff White People Like” and then add, “And that’s why I need an iphone” to the end of it. 

So I give up.

I don’t have a good reason for wanting an iphone besides pure unadulterated greed.I want one because I feel like everyone has one but me. There are probably potty training apps on iphones because three year olds even own them. 


I'm off to bribe Ralph to help me set up a Tumblr--in the mean time, keep checking back here. Unless I become obsessed with an iphone and completely forget about blogging and brushing my teeth, I'll be posting.