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Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Candies for Jesus
Sissy Biscuit is now on Tumblr.
Check out the new site at: www.sissybiscuit.com
Okay, so I wrote the following post yesterday and didn't get the time to post it, but I still think it's funny so I'm going to put it up now. Also, I've been wrestling with the formatting of various blog hosts all week--and by "wrestling" I mean yelling at Ralph while he works on them. My goal is to be fully migrated to a new site by the weekend, so if I disappear until then you'll know why.
Now here's the post:
This week began Lent, and if you’re not Catholic
I’ll explain it. Lent is when you give up something trivial for Jesus
because he gave up his life for you. For example—you could give up
Cheetos for Jesus because they are your most favoritest thing and then
on Easter you can have a Cheetos bonanza and nearly die from a Cheetos
overdose. But from Ash Wednesday to Easter not a single Cheeto can cross
your lips. This is to show your penitence and to prepare for the
symbolic death of Jesus every year. At some point people probably fasted
and gave up something really important—like sex and water or whatever,
but now most people I know give up their second favorite food.
First favorite food is too harsh.
Also
during Lent, yo
u can’t eat meat on Fridays. When I lived back home in a small town that
was 90% Catholic and 10% dead Catholics, this was easy. The schools
served pierogies, the restaurants served awesome things like fried fish
and mac and cheese with stewed tomatoes (If you don’t know what this is,
I pity your poor soul). On another note entirely—I find it hilarious
that the autocorrect constantly tries to change “pierogies” to “pie
orgies.” Which, upon reflection, is a more accurate description of
eating them.
It’s
hard to even find meat on a Friday in the old coal mining towns of
Pennsylvania. But now I live in the SEPA, a meaty Atheist playground of
cheesesteaks and strombolis. I usually have half a burger in me before I
even remember that it’s Friday.
When
I was a kid, as soon as I was smart enough to think of it
(which I think was about 11 years old), I gave up beer for Lent. Adults
thought it was funny, and I never had to actually give anything up. If
my mom really pressed me I would give up pretzels. Because, seriously,
what kid misses pretzels?
Once I turned 21, I gave up Lent.
I
haven’t participated in Lent for about a solid six or seven years,
however, this year I’m giving up candy. Yes, all candy—even chocolate,
which I agree—should be a separate category unto its glorious self. Not
cake. Not ice cream, unless it has candy in it—just candy. For the past
few months my addiction to sugar has grown to be epic. Around 10:00 at
night I can be found munching on anything sweet, which makes no sense at
all since I’m getting ready for bed. We both have end tables on either
side of the couch and Ralph’s end table has remote controls and cough
drops in and my end table has
nail polish, an ipod cable, L’occitane lotion, pens, and three big bags
of gummies squished flat so they fit in there.
I eat those gummies compulsively while watching TV. I knew I really reached my breaking point when last night I ate a Reese’s peanut butter pumpkin.
This is wrong for me on so many levels. I know most of the world
considers Reese’s peanut butter cups to be the holy grail of candy
(Ralph thinks that they are so valuable they should be turned into
currency) but for the longest time I have despised the chocolate/peanut
butter combo and the smell of it can actually make me sick! So not only
did I EAT the horrid thing, but it was from HALLOWEEN for St. Pete’s
sake.
Something
has to give. Ralph has always been the type of sick human being that
does not prefer dessert and actually craves brussel sprouts. All of my
candy and
crap in the house has completely ruined him. We spent most of last week
strung out, cranky, and punching holes into a huge heart box of
Valentine’s Day chocolates. We ate them all, even the gross ones.
So—yes—I
am using Jesus as an excuse to help me give up candy. Because, the
truth is how CAN you say no to Jesus? Especially when it’s something
stupid like candy. I mean, I don’t go pour soup into bowls for the
homeless every weekend and I don’t go to church every Sunday and I don’t
follow the Bible to the letter…. And after all that I can’t give up a
freaking gummi bear? If I were Jesus, I’d be like, “Screw her.” Except
probably not, because if I were Jesus I would probably have better
control over my sailor mouth.
So
I’m going to Ash Wednesday mass today because it happens to be my favorite mass. I love how dreary and depressing it is. All of the songs
are about death and sin and mourning and it’s deliciously sad—during all
of that sorrowing, sighing, weeping and dying I’m going to offer up
gummi bears to Jesus. It may not mean that much to anyone else, but the
sadness of my empty end table drawer will be hard felt by me. I’ll keep
you updated on how it goes.
If
you’re Catholic, give me a comment with what you gave up and if you’re
not—give me a comment on what you WOULD give up (and you can’t say
“being Catholic”). I’m curious. Happy Lenting.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
But, Daddy, I want an iphone NOW!
Sissy Biscuit is now on Tumblr.
Check out the new site at: www.sissybiscuit.com
Okay, so I haven’t been around for a few days because I tried to upload a cartoon for like three hours over the weekend and I got really pissed off and completely gave up. In between watching six episodes of Downton Abbey and trying to set up my new wireless printer and wireless mouse (honestly, I miss wires a little. It’s like, plug/unplug. End.) I’ll be switching this blog over to a tumblr account. Don’t worry—you can always type in “sissybiscuit.com” and it’ll redirect you to wherever I am. I bought the domain. I also own Snachos.com, just because I thought it was funny.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Migrating to another blog service?
Below is old news! Sissy Biscuit is now on Tumblr!
Check out the new site at: www.sissybiscuit.com
"Ralph seems to think that I should be migrating from blogger to another blog service--such as Tumbler or Word Press. I don't necessarily know how important that is or not--but keep an eye out for a change. Also, if you have any suggestions on what you think the best host for this blog would be, please let me know!"
I just don't understand tea people.
Sissy Biscuit is now on Tumblr.
Check out the new site at: www.sissybiscuit.com
How I feel before coffee:
How I feel after coffee:
Thursday, February 16, 2012
The Crap We Talk About
Sissy Biscuit is now on Tumblr.
Check out the new site at: www.sissybiscuit.com
Husband: "I love William Shatner, but I don't know if I like him enough to spend $300 on a ticket for his one man show."
Me: "Are you sure? You're obsessed with him."
Husband: "It's not worth it even if you do get to meet him. I'd rather save that money to see the Beach Boys."
Me: "Oh. Wait--you can meet him? Don't you wanna meet him?"
Husband: "Not for $300. But if the Beach Boys offer the chance to meet them for $1000 I'm gonna do it."
Me: "Whoa. ....Okay. But uhh just pay that for yourself, not for me too. You can tell me about it later."
Husband: "I'd pay that for you."
Me: "I guess our children aren't going to college."
Husband: "I feel like you're joking, hut if Stevie Nicks was offering this--"
Me: "Don't even go there. If I shook a can of pennies in her face Stevie Nicks would follow me down the street so that's not even applicable."
Husband: "--or if Paul Simon had a 'pay me $1000 and I'll sit on your lap' package--you'd buy it"
Me: "I'd never pay $1000 to sit in Paul Simon's lap. I would crush him."
Husband: "No, I said he's sit on YOUR lap."
Me: "Even though I love him so much, the answer is no. That's too much money."
Husband: "His upper limit package is that he let's you carry him around in your backpack all day."
Me: "Hmmm. I'd consider it. I'd have to buy a backpack, too. That's a hidden cost."
Husband: "If I had the opportunity to meet the Beach Boys and I said 'nah...' I could regret that forever. Let's add to the fact... okay.. lets phrase it like this--if Paul Simon died. Or split into two. Or quit touring for years and then all of a sudden he came back to life and was charging money to meet him.... Would you pay to meet him---yes or no?"
Me: "Wait, he died and came back to life?"
Husband: "Yes."
Me: " So this is cartoon in a cartoon graveyard...ghost Paul Simon-- and it costs $1000 to meet him?"
Husband: "I don't get the cartoon graveyard."
Me: "It's a Paul Simon lyric."
Husband: "Okay."
Me: "That's still a lot of money."
Husband: "Okay. How about Faulkner?"
Me: "No.... I'd pay $1000 to meet Jesus."
Husband: "I give up."
Me: "If you could change your name to anything, what would it be?"
Husband: "I'm leaving. I can't talk to you right now."
Me: "Okay, just tell me what you would want your name to be and I'll leave you alone."
Husband: "Ralph Zigenfuss."
Me: "Who's that?"
Ralph: "It's no one."
Me: "Ralph Zigenfuss? Seriously?"
Ralph: "Yep. Now go away."
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Valentine's Day and Tough Love
Sissy Biscuit is now on Tumblr.
Check out the new site at: www.sissybiscuit.com
So, yesterday was Valentine’s Day and it was actually my first Valentine’s Day as a married person, so the pressure was off. Past Valentine’s Days have included meats that require like twelve hours of cook time, horse and carriage rides, and cutting out 100s of multicolored hearts. After all of that crap, we are both exhausted so we were happy to do the standard—flowers for me, chocolate for him, dinner for both of us.
We
finished the night by going to a local movie theater to see the 2012
Oscar nominated short animated films. One of them, “The Fantastic Flying
Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore” was about the power of books and the
power of love. I blubbered like a baby over it. If you have the
opportunity to see it, just do it. I did have a chocolate raspberry
martini and I
am on the verge of getting my period—but honestly, it was really good.
Even half the crying I did would be a lot of crying.
Anyway,
I didn’t want to write about short films. I wanted to discuss a few
things about Valentine’s Day. Firstly, there is a lot of pressure for
both sexes. As soon as I got into my car on Tuesday morning the radio
was playing a desperately sad country song whose words were essentially,
“If your heart doesn’t have love then it isn’t worth living.” Okay.
Good job public radio. Don’t beat around the bush.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Live by the Groupon, Die by the Groupon
Sissy Biscuit is now on Tumblr.
Check out the new site at: www.sissybiscuit.com
I,
on the other hand, make lists to check my lists. It’s my absolute
favorite thing to do and I do it compulsively. The bottom of my purse is
cushioned with a confetti pile of post-its, all bonded together into
one colorful lump by sticks of trident that have weaseled their way out
of their wrappers. Usually, one lone unwrapped tampon is stuck to the
outside.I never know how it gets like that
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Hi, I have a blog.
Sissy Biscuit is now on Tumblr.
Check out the new site at: www.sissybiscuit.com
Let me begin by saying—I used to have a blog when I was in college. It was a really fun way to tell all of my friends about how terrible my dates were and recall all of our crazy partying and whatnot. I also once got so bored in college that I made upwards of 50 origami swans for absolutely no reason. This is true. You can ask my friend who walked into my room and saw me completely covered in them (she just quietly left).
What I’m saying is I used to have oodles of time on my hands. Now, I am
an Adult with a capital “A.” Except, not really. I think maybe I’m supposed
to be, but I’m really just squeaking by on that one. When my husband
doesn’t come home I regularly eat dinners composed of whatever is
closest to me—marshmallows, an entire bag of goldfish, two crackers
dipped in suspicious smelling tuna salad, cold spaghetti eaten with my
bare hands…you get the point.
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